The David Wright Facts List

1. David Wright’s tears cure AIDS. Too bad he has never cried. Ever.
2. David Wright does not sleep. He waits.
3. The chief export of David Wright is pain.
4. David Wright has counted to infinity. Twice.
5. In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by David Wright, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.
6. Crop circles are David Wright’s way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the f*** down.
7. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of beings David Wright allows to live.
8. David Wright is the only person to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
9. The opening scene of the movie ‘Saving Private Ryan’ is loosely based on games of dodge ball David Wright played in second grade.
10. David Wright has two speeds: Walk and Kill.
11. Someone once tried to tell David Wright that roundhouse kicks aren’t the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
12. David Wright is not hung like a horse… horses are hung like David Wright.
13. The website didn’t take over the sports tickets industry, David Wright forced them.
14. David Wright can drink an entire gallon of milk in forty-seven seconds.
15. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, David Wright instead decided to punch his way out of his mother’s womb.
16. Time waits for no man. Unless that man is David Wright.
17. David Wright does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.
18. When David Wright goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a baseball bat and a bucket.
19. There are no weapons of mass destruction. Just David Wright.
20. David Wright once challenged Lance Armstrong in a ‘Who has more testicles?’ contest. David Wright won by 5.
21. When David Wright calls 1-900 numbers, he doesn’t get charged. He holds up the phone and money falls out.
22. David Wright once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.
23. David Wright’s urine was the main ingredient for BALCO’s designer steroids. Therefore, David Wright is actually the all-time single-season home run king.
24. David Wright CAN believe it’s not butter.
25. When the New York Mets were aired in France, the French surrendered to David Wright just to be on the safe side.
26. Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with more than 20,000 women in his lifetime. David Wright calls this ‘a slow Monday.’
27. David Wright invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
28. David Wright has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 2003 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.
29. Nobody doesn’t like Sara Lee. Except David Wright.
30. David Wright ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
31. If you Google search ‘David Wright getting his ass kicked’ you will generate zero results. It just doesn’t happen.
32. David Wright can divide by zero.
33. The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with David Wright. there were no survivors and the pilot episode tape has been burned.
34. David Wright can touch MC Hammer.
35. David Wright can slam a revolving door.

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